city slicker.

apparently growing up in new york city creates quite the snooty city girl (or boy). the following is a list of things (in no particular order) i either hate or love, that can be directly attributed to my brooklyn roots…

1. i hate the smell of fresh cut grass. i much prefer smoggy air (which does not trigger my allergies).

2. there are few things more enjoyable than sitting on a new york city stoop. it would be considered trespassing anywhere else.

3. i’ll take sirens over crickets anyday. too much silence makes me nervous.

4. i’m not a fan of (what i consider to be typical suburban) chain restaurants, although i’ll entertain the thought that maybe i’m still holding a grudge from never being able to experience the ice cream sundaes from friendly’s i always saw in commercials as a kid.

5. city basements are usually cold, dark and scary. i much prefer the basements-turned-fully-furnished-game-rooms you find outside the city. (you’ve got us on that one for sure.)

6. where i come from, defensive-aggressive driving is a skill (not to mention: drivers don’t lose their cool when it rains). in all my years, i have yet to see a fender-bender in new york city!

7. i want to know the names of all the (sub)urban planners who decided paving streets without sidewalks was ok. is that why country folks seem to be just a bit more plump than urban dwellers? (yes, that’s a sweeping generalization.)

elevator etiquette.

we don’t spend much time in elevators, but there is still a level of common courtesy that must be displayed. the expectations aren’t high, so they should generally always be met. i don’t ask for much (and similarly don’t give more than the basics) when it comes to elevator etiquette.

i’ll hold the elevator door open for you if i see you coming (but only if i can actually see you, which is different from knowing you’re 20 paces behind me), and you should do the same. i hate when i’m headed for the elevator and make eye contact with someone, only to watch the doors shut in my face as i (unsuccessfully) lunge for the button. once eye contact is made (we’re like family at that point), it’s pretty much your obligation to make sure i get on that elevator. stick your arm out, press “door open”, throw me over your shoulder, i don’t care…just don’t make me wait for the next available elevator.

i’ll also press your floor if i’m closest to the buttons. but wait for me to offer (unless you actually ask); please don’t ever demand (or expect) me to press your button and just simply say “nine”. that’s never ok – because it’s not my job, just like it’s not yours.

as a small(er) person, i can usually carve out some space in a packed elevator. but not everyone can do the same. i’ll only pack myself in, if (a) i’m in a rush to get wherever i’m going, or (b) people tell me i can fit and wave me on (a little encouragement goes a long way). if any part of you touches any part of me (or anyone else), then you should probably step off and wait for the next elevator; because that means you’ll have to get off at every floor to let folks off anyway. not worth it in my book.

(i’m going to assume it isn’t necessary to mention that releasing anything in an elevator is never ok.)

one thing i’ve never really thought much about, is talking on the phone while riding in an elevator. i don’t really do it (unless i’m alone in an elevator), simply because i don’t want people in my business, listening to my conversations. but it’s never been an issue of etiquette for me (until i met one of my neighbors who profusely apologized once we left our building, for chatting on the phone in the elevator). i found it fairly amusing that she was so apologetic for talking on the phone in the elevator, because i didn’t really think twice about it; it didn’t bother me any. but now – as an after-thought – i think chatting on the phone in an elevator has its place. i’d say, if you’re going five floors or less, go for it. but to hear someone else chat, giggle, and sigh (loudly) for more than five floors could be annoying. therefore, i am personally instituting a five floor cell phone policy while riding elevators (for myself, and whoever else might want to take the sanity of others into consideration).

and that’s basically what it comes down to…consideration of others. that’s a bandwagon we should all jump on.

straight girls aren’t gay (part 3).

given that (homo)sexuality seems to be top of mind for most folks these days, i’m going to break down my sexuality continuum theory for everyone…

we have super gay folks at one end, and uber straight folks at the other. everyone else is somewhere in between (and in my personal opinion, i’d say middle-dwellers constitute upwards of 70% of the population; which basically means even if you identify as a straight person, on my continuum you’re probably still a middle-dweller).

the majority of middle-dwellers are straight-identified, but have more than likely either thought about having a same-sex experience, or have actually participated in such. and this applies to men just as much as women. (however, it’d be very difficult to get men – or any one man, for that matter – to admit to this, given that our society has not condoned man-on-man fantasies, sexual experiences, etc. as they have for women. and although it will take much longer, i do believe that we will eventually reach a place where we’ll see men kissing other men in the club. but i digress…)

middle-dwellers are a very diverse group of folks (more so than the super gays and uber straights). with that, here are the categories i’ve come up with (so far) for middle-dwellers:

[please note that most references will be of women, as i'm most familiar with their habits & tendencies, but all categories could just as easily apply to men as well.]

the dreamer – these are folks that are possibly closest to the border shared by middle-dwellers and uber straight folks. they’re completely straight (not to be confused with uber straight), but every now and then have a thought, dream, or even fantasy (for the slightly more adventerous dreamers!) about hooking up with – or more likely, just kissing – someone of the same sex. these thoughts don’t consume them, but they’ve definitely occured. my favorite dreamers: barbara walters & oprah. i don’t believe either woman has ever really considered hooking up with another female, but given their high-profiles in broadcast journalism and the entertainment industry, i can’t imagine after interviewing plenty of lgbt folks, they haven’t wondered at least just once what the rage was all about!

the peacock – these folks just want attention. they can be found kissing someone of the same sex in the club, during a game of truth-or-dare, or in the back of someone’s car – usually always at the request of others. they slap asses on-demand. and why you ask? “because it’s fun,” they’ll tell you (not to mention insert random name here told me to). attention-seekers don’t deserve a spot on the favorites list.

the wifey (hubby) – these folks tend to move from a serious hetero relationship (usually married for 5+ years with 2 kids or so) into a serious same-sex relationship. the hetero relationship generally ends amicably, and a same-sex rendevous blossoms when the wifey finds comfort and support from (one of) her (only) lesi buddies or acquaintances. they fall in love (the kids & ex-spouse usually embrace the relationship) and the blended family lives happily ever after. this is a lesi relationship by circumstance; falling in love with the person for who they are and not what they are; a mere case of sexuality being trumped by love. my favorite wifey: cynthia nixon. she has gone from a serious hetero relationships to significant, long-term same-sex relationship and takes it for what it is – a serious love connection. cynthia doesn’t identify as a lesi, as far as i know (and that’s a-ok in my book). rock on!

the robert kelly - i’d classify these folks as teetering the border between middle-dwellers and super gays. in fact, their gay friends, lovers, and acquaintances usually don’t even know robert kellys get down hetero style (the typical “vice versa” should be implied here). this is a true case of living double lives (to what extent can be somewhat arguable, i suppose). i try my very best not to pass judgment on these folks, because i know it’s typically a chronic case of denial, fear, and self-loathing. everyone has a process, and we can’t all be resilient to our familial and societal woes at age 16 (or even 11, as the age of resilience seems to be getting younger). my favorite robert kelly: jl king. he put men on blast and gave women all over the country something to think about. he created “a movement of awareness” and put us all onto the down-low phenomenon. and in my opinion, he forced dudes to take accountability for their actions. kudos.

the tall glass of water – these folks love a tall (or short, if you know what’s best!) glass of water, whether it’s a chick or a dude. they appreciate beauty and enjoy a good time (“time” being a euphamism of course!), and couldn’t really care less who it comes from. these folks are probably the most in tune with their sexuality of all middle-dwellers, and might be referred to as bisexual in laymen’s terms. my favorite tall glass of water: angelina jolie. brangelina is in full effect, but my girl definitely gets down with the get down.

the scientist – these folks embrace their curiosity (or let it get the best of them, depending on your perspective). they know what goes through their mind when a cutie of the same sex walks by, and they’re not afraid to act on it (well, sometimes they might need a little cohersion). they’ll never be in a same-sex relationship, because that’s not what they want. they’re only interested in experimenting. and if they don’t get what they expected the first time around, a few additional experiments may be necessary (and usually always with more than one experimentee). plain and simple, scientists are only interested in either proving or disproving theories. i have a few favorite scientists, but if i told you who they were, i’d have to kill you.

the #2 – if life was a mcdonald’s, these folks would walk in and order a hetero lifestyle with a same-sex on the side (better known as a #2). they want to have their cake and eat it too. they want a normal life (defined as such by society’s heterosexist terms, of course) for convenience, but refuse to give up the same-sex experiences they enjoy so much. these folks (generally) don’t deny having what they want on the side. they’d just prefer to keep it there. i would bet money (9 times out of 10) that the hetero spouse knows about the side piece, and has no problem with it (assuming of course, it’s the woman with the side piece; otherwise the side piece is more than likely an unknown). #2s are not to be confused with tall glasses of water, who are usually unmarried. if i listed my favorite #2′s, it would only be speculation; so i’ll refrain for now.

this is a work in progress, so there may be some additions in the near future.

keep in mind…according to my statistics, only 3 out of every 10 of you are either super gay or uber straight. the middle-dwellers are among us!

let’s all just (not) be friends.

have you ever been force-fed a friendship based on the principal that you share some random (and usually uncontrollable) characteristic(s)? why is it that people seem to think all black (or white, chinese, mexican, whatever) folks will automatically get along just because they’re black (or white, chinese, mexican, whatever)? or that all gay people love each other, just because they’re gay?

true, i’m generally inclined to like products, services, etc. that come from people (or companies started by people) like myself, but those consumer-supplier relationships are usually from afar. i’m certainly never convinced that i should actually hang out with these people.

prime example: i love suze orman. i think she’s awesome and gives completely useful and efffective financial advice. she relates to her audience, whether they’re young, middle-aged, gay or straight. she just plain gets it. i’ve recently learned, however, (from someone completely authorized to call it) that she travels with an entourage of like 14 deep and happens to be particularly high-maintenance. am i completely turned off by that? nope. because no one is telling me they know i’ll love her and we’ll really hit it off, or that we must hang out sometime simply because we both happen to be gay.

a few scenarios for you to consider:

1. an acquaintance (this rarely happens with actual friends) goes out and meets some dude at a local dc bar. he’s from brooklyn. acquaintance says to dude: “you totally have to meet my friend! she’s from brooklyn too. you’ll love her!”

acquaintance tells me, “i met this guy from brooklyn the other night! i told him about you. we all have to hang out some time!” ok cool, whatever…

i go out with said acquaintance, and bk dude is at the bar. “oh my gosh! that’s the dude i was telling you about. let me introduce you…”

i buy dude a drink because he’s from brooklyn. bad move. dude is an ass. guess i got got. the fact that we’re both from brooklyn no longer has any bearing on anything. in fact, i kind of wish i wasn’t from brooklyn at this very moment (or better yet, that HE wasn’t from brooklyn for moments far beyond this one), just so i can dip out of this conversation real quick.

acquaintance is confused. “why do i want to go to the other end of the bar?” because dude is lame. acquaintance raises an eyebrow, “no he’s not. he’s from brooklyn!” yeah, i’m just as shocked. but i guess not all brooklynites are as cool as this one.

at least we got that out of the way before acquaintance had the chance to actually plan an outing with dude.

2. an old friend from school (not college) has a co-worker who went to spelman. old friend is hyped, because old friend is the only co-worker of said spelmanite that knows someone who went to spelman (even though old friend knew nothing about spelman before i decided to attend). even better, said spelmanite has plans to visit dc in the coming weeks.

old friend tells co-worker, “i have a friend that went to spelman, and she lives in dc! you two should totally hang out! i’ll put you guys in touch.” i suppose it wouldn’t be very sisterly of me to decline the invite to meet a fellow spelmanite, so i agree to hang out with her when she visits dc.

we meet. she graduated a year ahead of me, and swears we had a class together. her name doesn’t ring a bell and i’m certain i’ve never seen her a day in my life. we throw out a few names, professors, campus events, and we can’t connect on anything related to spelman (or not related to spelman).

i’m starting to feel awkward. i call old friend as soon as i get home, and tell them to please refrain from offering me up as their only spelman connection, moving forward. old friend doesn’t understand why we didn’t have a blast together; afterall, she did go to spelman.

ok, well…womp, womp. she’s lame. (and as much as we all like to pretend there aren’t any lame spelmanites, somehow there are. few, but here. lucky for them, i never aspired to become a college admissions officer.)

3. i’m out with a few friends, and a mutual lesi acquaintance comes up in conversation. friends ask why i’m not best buds with said lesi acquaintance. “you’re both lesis, why don’t you hang out more often?” friends want to know.

because chick is a nazi lesi, and i don’t really get down like that. not all lesis are buddy-buddy just because they’re lesis. she’s cool, just not someone i would necessarily call to kick it with.

can we all just (not) get along, and that be ok? spread the love.

nazi lesis.

2005 was the first time i ever heard the term “nazi lesbians”. i’ve since used the term countless times.

you know those lesis that swear it’s them against the (straight) world? the ones that want nothing at all to do with straight folks, yet expect straight folks to support their cause? i seem to know plenty. in fact, i ran into one just the other night.

i thought i was going to have to pull out my boxing gloves when i told her i had just come from the katy perry concert.

me: yeah, we were just at the katy perry concert.

nazi lesi: oh my gosh, you went to the katy perry concert?! she’s so homophobic! she can only kiss a girl with her boyfriend’s permission!! and that other song…”you’re so gay and you don’t even like boys”. i can’t believe you went to that concert!

me: yeah well i had a good time and the tickets were free.

nazi lesi: i still can’t believe you went to that! she’s SO homophobic!

me: well, i had fun!

the conversation ended, and i’m sure her opinion of me changed, as mine of her certainly did…

nazi lesi? check.

public transportation pet peeves.

one year ago (almost to the day), i got into a pretty bad car accident and was left without, well, my car. i have since been riding public transportation far too often than i would have imagined in my worst nightmare, and have thus developed quite an exhaustive list of pet peeves (inspired by none other than the rude, inconsiderate folks without common courtesy or common sense that ride the train alongside me).

here are my top 10 DO’s & DON’Ts (in no specific order)…

1. i will not move out of your way when the train is moving. if my balance game was that tight, i wouldn’t be holding onto the pole in front of you to begin with.

2. similarly, if people are standing in front of the door, do not say “excuse me” before the train has stopped and the doors have opened. if i haven’t moved yet, i’m probably getting off too.

3. just because i don’t necessarily take up an entire seat, doesn’t mean i want to share my leftover space with you. if you can’t fit within the lines, better make sure you get to that seat first (because short of a real emergency, i will never squeeze into your leftover space)!

4. your hand should never touch mine. i don’t care how many folks are holding onto the same pole. two or three fingers can give you the same security as all five. work it out, and always leave at least two finger-widths between my hand and yours.

5. oversized, bulky bags should be held in your hand or strategically placed between your feet on the floor. when they’re on your back, you have no concept of the extra foot of space you’re taking up (which generally tends to be directly in front of my face).

6. unless your balance game is super tight, please resist from attempting to ride the train without holding on. this only results in you stumbling backwards (or forwards) onto my foot. at least lean against a door or something.

7. your entire back (or ass) on the pole is never ok. never.

8. your mouth should ALWAYS be covered when sneezing, coughing, yawning, etc. — and NEVER with the same hand that is two finger-widths from mine!

9. i didn’t wear your coat, because i have my own. so make sure it’s not draped over my knee, arm or shoulder when you sit beside me.

10. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS wait for folks to get off the train before you get on. (sometimes i ram my shoulder into these people on purpose. that’s how much it irks me.)

friends by default.

as of late, the topic of acquiring friends by default has come up quite often. picture this:

you send an email to your core group of homies, letting them know about your plans for a usual tuesday night out. and everyone chimes in, per usual.

you get a solid 5 emails in under a minute. sweet. almost everyone is in.

the next email comes in 10 minutes later. your homie says s/he will be stuck at work late, but they’ve taken it upon themself to invite their significant other in their place. you re-read the email…wait. WHAT!?

yes. your homie has just thrown their boy/girlfriend into your crew for the night – without them.

not cool.

for the record, it has nothing to do with whether or not you actually like the person (they’re cool by your standards). the point is: they’re not your friend; they’re not part of the crew. and quite frankly, if this was an open invite, you would’ve specified that in the email.

common courtesy says your homie should’ve at least emailed you first to see if it was cool to send in their replacement. am i wrong? you can’t just throw a newbie into the mix because they’re your boo.

[side note: this tends to get super sloppy when dealing with same-sex couples. folks tend to think just because you're dating someone of the same sex, they get automatic "friend/homie" privileges. not quite the case.]

moral(s) of the story…

1. boos and homies are not interchangeable.

2. you and your boo are especially not interchangeable when hanging with homies.

3. unless someone has scheduled a specific boo/homie outing, don’t spring a boo on some homies.

lesi cougars.

the author of In Praise of the Lesbian Cougar pretty much does what the title claims…praises the lesi cougar. but i’m not too sure i can co-sign on this one.

while i don’t necessarily disagree with some of the points made, i’m not convinced that there aren’t any predatory lesi cougars out there.

just a thought.

straight girls aren’t gay (part 2).

one of my co-workers put me on to an article in the latest ’o mag’ that i thought was fitting for my straight girls aren’t gay series: “Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women”. and then as i was perusing o’s website, i came across another article about gay/straight women also featured in this issue of the mag: “Comedian Carol Leifer’s Midlife Surprise”.

two articles in one issue. wow. o just scored major points in my book. (she’s not one of my favorite dreamers for no reason.)

carol leifer tells a quick yet informative story of how she (a straight woman) came to be in a long-term, committed relationship with another (gay) woman. i’m sure there are tons of women out there that will relate to her desire (or need) to have a lesi experience. here’s my favorite bit from her article:

And so, my lesbian fling finally took flight. And sex with a woman? Turns out it was a no-brainer…because I am one (very familiar with the equipment already). It was like having the answers before taking a test. Like walking around in the house you grew up in. You can turn all the lights off, I’ll still know where everything is.

But then something else began to happen—something I hadn’t quite planned on. It started to get serious. And now, here I am, 12 years later, telling you this story. (Surprisingly, it never seems to get old, especially to my straight male friends—”Carol, I want to hear everything. Slowly and in great detail, please.”) Granted, it’s been something of an adjustment. Two menstrual cycles in one relationship? Getting a word in edgewise? Love happens. Gay happens. But in the end, love always trumps the gay.

if you’ve got some time on your hands, and you’re interested in more of the when, where, why, and how straight women are plunging into lesi land, i suggest you read “Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women” in its entirety. there are plenty of real-life examples, as well as some rhetoric from a few notable scholars, scientists, and the like about this (for a lack of a better term) trend.

straight girls aren’t gay (part 1).

this is an intriguing topic for most. are straight girls gay? some might say so, while others will proclaim that’s an impossible declaration. if you ask me, i’d say straight girls aren’t gay. and that’s simply because i don’t think you can be both straight and gay (not to be confused with bisexuality).

there are plenty more reasons why i’ve come to this conclusion. but until i muster up the patience to get into all of them, here’s the first installment of my newly created series dedicated to proving that straight girls aren’t gay…

reason #28: because none of the women featured on last week’s episode of the tyra banks show are gay. having a crush on a lesi (and even acting on it) does not, in turn, make you a lesi. tyra asks, “is it possible to be straight, but have a crush and be sexually attracted to another person of the same sex?” why, yes tyra. yes, indeed.

one of the women featured in this segment is happily married with a crush on lesi workout guru jackie warner. but i’d equate her crush to any other “celebrity crush” that has folks convinced they’d leave their significant other at the first live sighting of angelina or denzel (or whoever tickles your fancy).

this girl isn’t straight:

and these girls aren’t gay:

curious to know your thoughts…